By Maria Mutka from NC, USA
Content Warning: Body dysmorphia, abnormal eating and exercise patters.
As a high school teenager, I thought I was doing well at hiding my illness from my friends and peers. When there were snacks or meals served at school that I knew would send me straight to the bathroom, I deftly avoided them and made excuses that I had already eaten or just wasn’t hungry. If I was experiencing extreme abdominal pain, bloating, and gas during the school day, I tried to ignore it while positioning myself as close to the door as possible, just in case.
For most of high school, I experienced a constant flare that fluctuated between mild and moderate symptoms. This made hiding the tangible symptoms of my ulcerative colitis somewhat possible in my mind, although my friends and peers undoubtedly knew I was experiencing gastrointestinal health issues. I had briefly mentioned to them before that I had inflammatory bowel disease (IBD), but avoided elaborating on what that meant out of embarrassment and fear that it would make them uncomfortable.
I soon realized that there was one facet of my illness I could not hide from my classmates: while being a sophomore in high school, I was 5’2” and barely 80 lbs., with the face and the body of an 11- or 12-year-old. This visible manifestation of my illness through delayed puberty caused me to experience a lot of insecurity, which in turn led to becoming obsessed with food intake and exercise. I was constantly trying to find the perfect balance between food and exercise that could overcome the deleterious impacts of my ulcerative colitis on the absorption of nutrients critical to my growth.
Perhaps the reality of my underdeveloped body so heavily impacted me because of my journey with ulcerative colitis since the age of 6. I had gotten used to the other physical manifestations of the disease: frequent bowel movements, diarrhea, blood, pain, and extreme fatigue, but this limbo stage of early pubescence was new to me. It was extremely damaging to my adolescent attempts at processing and accepting my body for what it was, and at developing anything resembling a positive body image.
At the time, it felt as though with my IBD symptoms continuing, the very least my body could offer me was a sense of somatic belonging and self-worth that I felt could only come from looking like my peers. I was determined that looking my age would help me finally feel like I had access to the same sort of normal teenage experiences they did. Maybe once I looked like everyone else, I would feel more confident in making new friends, being involved in athletics, straying outside the comfort of a singular, perfectionistic focus on academic success by making mistakes, and dating.
For so long, I let my physical appearance dominate my social interactions and extracurricular activities because I felt like an imposter in my own body, completely estranged from what I thought it meant to be a teenager like my peers. In my mind, I was only able to watch from the sidelines as high school, along with the seminal memories and lessons that accompany adolescence, unfolded for everyone else.
Part of the issue was that I was not simply imagining my peers’ perceptions of my physical appearance. Under the guise of concern, while trying on costumes for high school theater productions, several of my peers would tell me that I needed to eat more, bluntly stating that I looked like a twig. In those moments, I could not have felt more infantilized or more childlike not only in appearance but in how my peers treated me.
It was not only my peers who infantilized me. Eventually, I was referred to an endocrinologist for my stalled growth. While I had looked forward to identifying possible solutions to my inability to gain weight and progress further in puberty, all I received from my doctor were vague assurances I would eventually grow and that my endocrine system was in working order. These small efforts at placating the concerns that were wreaking havoc on my mental and social quality of life while well-meaning, were harmful. They reinforced my ever-growing anxiety that my situation would never change and that my mental health and social quality of life did not matter.
My experience with US health care systems’ large deficits in addressing chronically ill youths’ psychosocial needs and quality of life is, unfortunately, not at all unique. Whether these needs are avoided intentionally through health systems causing direct medical trauma, or through omission in failing to address social determinants of health (e.g., housing needs or food needs), the harm done is impactful and lasting. If providers had screened for or discussed my mental health and psychosocial needs related to my IBD at any point, I would have jumped at the chance to talk about it. However, my physical symptoms were the only topic of discussion and implied to be the only issue that could even concern me.
I know now that delayed puberty is not an uncommon comorbidity of pediatric inflammatory bowel disease, as many studies on the subject have shown. Despite my at-the-time unassuageable fears, I did eventually grow and complete puberty, although I do still receive comments that I look young for my age.
Looking back at my adolescence, when I felt like I was perpetually stuck in a Groundhog Day scenario due to my delayed puberty, in hindsight, I can appreciate all my body did for me. I was able to make it through a multi-year-long flare, and all things considered, my body managed it pretty well. Looking back, I try to have compassion for my perfectionistic teenage self who was determined to look like her peers to an unhealthy extreme. What she needed was a pat on the head or vague assurances everything would turn out okay. She did not even need hormone therapy, medication, or any sort of quick fix to help her start puberty earlier. It was in many ways a lot simpler than that: she needed providers and a broader health care system that could recognize her need for mental health support and do something about it.
Featured photo by mododeolhar from Pexels.
