As someone chronically ill, feelings of guilt, FOMO, and loneliness can be all too familiar. The severity and unpredictability of IBD can take a toll on the relationships you have with others, including romantic interests, friendships, family members, and coworkers. When i was diagnosed with Crohn’s Disease at the young age of twenty one, i quickly became frustrated that my poor health was holding me back from participating in classic twenty something year old activities. My unpredictable and debilitating symptoms made it difficult to leave my house, to follow through with plans, and to eat and drink at restaurants and bars. At the beginning of my journey with Crohn’s Disease, I was overwhelmed with feelings of loneliness and guilt when I had to miss out on my college friends' activities. I kept my symptoms and diagnosis to myself, not really allowing any of my friends to understand how to include and support me.
Sharing your IBD diagnosis with your partner, friends, and family is a terrifying and overwhelming experience. Naturally, we strive to hide our vulnerability, but I hope to deliver advice through my own personal experience to help nurture your relationships and ensure you receive the support you deserve.
My best advice is to share your IBD diagnosis with the people you surround yourself with. We cannot control how others react to our diagnosis, but we can control what we share with them. I often tried to hide my illness from others, and then became frustrated when disagreements arose over my frequent cancellations from flares as well as feelings of loneliness from no one understanding what I am going through. It’s important to allow those close to you to know what you are dealing with. Remember, someone that loves and cares about you will not be scared by your diagnosis, they will want to support you and be there for you in times of need. The first thing you need to do is allow them the chance to show up and support you. Be honest about how your disease affects you, whether that be generalized as last minute cancelations or going in-depth about the symptoms you experience.
Remember your self worth. You may have inflammatory bowel disease but IBD does NOT define you. You have amazing, unique and loving qualities that make you amazing with or without IBD. Whenever I have trouble separating myself from my IBD diagnosis, I write down 5 things that I love about myself, whether that be my passion for helping others, my love for animals, or anything else that makes me, me!
Ask for help. Be honest about your needs as someone with IBD, especially when flaring or on colonoscopy, infusion, injection and surgery days. Your friend or partner might not know how to best help you. Try to be honest and communicate your needs and wants to your partner, friends, and family to be best supported.
Create boundaries. Every person with IBD has different needs. Be honest about what you like and don’t like. Create boundaries with friends and family, especially about unsolicited advice or anything that may bother you. Has everyone heard the ‘you should try ___ (sub: yoga, veganism, meditation, etc.) and you will be cured’? My advice to create boundaries without offending a loved one is to express your appreciation and thanks but highlight how every person with IBD is different and that advice like this negatively affects you. Again, put yourself first. If someones advice or actions are bothering you, speak up and share that with them. Most of the time, people are only trying to help and this will help guide them to most effectively support you.
As someone dating with IBD, the psychological aspect that can join a chronic illness, along with physically feeling sick, can create obstacles in relationships. Communicating with honesty will allow all parties to a relationship to feel loved, wanted, and respected. I truly hope these tips will help you navigate and make the most out of your relationships.