By Amy Weider
I have been a sex educator going on two years now and a commonality you find between all progressive sex educator work is that there is a stress of the importance of communication. We advocate for having open and honest conversations around consent, boundaries, STI testing and much more. communicating boundaries can be intimidating and often times it makes you feel like you are coming off as needy and fear one might lose interest in you because of your needs. We must navigate the disclosure of our lives and our level of comfortability regarding different types of relationships for example, hookups, friendships, dates, and long term relationships. communication is the key we say but many times we aren’t taught how to truly communicate our boundaries or limitations. In order to achieve successful relationships it is good to practice what we feel comfortable sharing with a person and how we want to do so. There is an Instagram sex educator @whatswrongwithmollymargaret who makes text templates for hard or nervewracking conversations. She touches on how to address being ghosted, how to ask someone on a date, and even asking a date about their accessibility needs!
I was so inspired by these posts and actions and it further made me acknowledge that communicating needs and boundaries becomes even more important when you are someone with a chronic illness. As a person with inflammatory bowel disease (IBD) my general energy levels can vary dramatically depending on the day. Because of this and my sex education work I wanted to share some of my tips and text templates for how to communicate boundaries around relationships and talking about IBD. These are all really individualized for me, a Crohn’s kid in remission who hasn't had any surgery. They obviously can be used and modified. If you have any of your favorite ways please share in the comments below.
Spoon theory
I like to introduce spoon theory very early on in my interaction with folks and continue to incorporate spoon check ins with every how are you what's up text. Spoon theory is an easy way to explain what's up with yourself without disclosing too much information about your disability/illness. It also gives me more room for an explanation of why I am canceling hook ups or dates without the interrogation of intentions or rudeness.
“I have a chronic illness, which means my energy levels are different from those who do not have one. I start the day off with say 12 spoons when you may have an unlimited amount of spoons. So it is harder for me to do all the things that are easy for you!”
“Hey!! I just woke up and I am not feeling so hot oof. Have you heard of the spoon theory? For me, it means that I am unable to be as “productive” as others because of my chronic illness. So I like to measure my energy in spoons. Long story short I am low on them today. Anyway that we could change our date to something cute and low exposure maybe a movie and some snacks :-)”
“SPOONS LOW rip can't text you as much today as I must sleep for 10 hours lol. I will dream of you and text you when I wake up!”
Disclosing Disease
I tend to be light talking about my disease and progress towards deeper conversations around it with folks the longer I know them! Here are a few ways I have disclosed my boundaries around talking about my disease before.
“I have Crohn’s Disease, which means my intestines and digestion can be unhappy a lot. I am in remission however though so it does not directly affect my daily life now and I don't love talking about it but hopefully one day we can get to the point where I could open up about it!!!”
“I have IBD which is inflammatory bowel disease, meaning basically because of all the inflammation I really can't digest anything. It has really affected my life and is an important topic I'm passionate about. Honestly, I'd love to talk deeper with you about it if you're down.”
“My health hasn't always been the best. I have IBD which affects my colon and I was diagnosed at a young age which affected my life. I am in remission now!! I get an IV every six weeks for a couple hours or so. I always say you know it's real when I take you to meet my nurses at the IV therapy appointments lol.
Asking for support
A big one for me is setting a boundary of disclosure transparency around when someone who I am going to see in person isn't feeling well so I do not risk my own health. I thought this was selfish for so long but I know it is not!!
“Having IBD and being on immunosuppressant drugs means that I can easily catch a virus cold, maybe even a good lord. So if we are gonna see each other i'd honestly love it if you can just be honest with me if you aren't feeling well before we meet up. I can do the same for you if you liked!!”